I was not someone who wanted to hear the opinions of others during my pregnancy. People blast their insecurities, fears, etc., when you say, “I’m pregnant.”
So with this information, I kept many of my plans – birth, laboring, and products I wanted to use – to myself and my husband. So then you ask, why would we want to read something that makes you seem hypocritical? To which I would respond, you’re right. Haha, if you don’t like what I have to say, don’t place value on my words; live this experience for yourself. ENJOY YOUR PREGNANCY YOUR WAY!!!!! That is so important to say.
Pregnancy is such an individual experience. Laboring, birthing, and mom-ing are all such personal experiences. However, I believe you need a TRUE village. A group of people who see you, support you and value the way you parent – without adding their unsolicited advice. So with that being said, I want you to know that I respect you, and because of this fact, I want to share my ideas about things I didn’t know and wished someone would have told me or talked more about…instead of the comments that aimed to make themselves feel better, and make my plans insufficient and not doable.
Here are four things I wish someone would have told me before becoming a mama…
Women will shame other women. But it is not about you…
Not all women. The few I came into contact with during pregnancy, and post-birth made me feel like I was not supported. The things I had to say and wanted to do with my baby were insufficient. But let me tell you something valuable…NO COMMENT IS TRULY ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING. It is their anxieties, feelings about their failures, and insecurities. Nothing, nothing, nothing about that has anything to do with the fact that you want to do x, y, and z with your baby.
The only reason I came to understand and know this was because those women made me want to stay silent, but I had another group of women who told me what choices I made were the best for my child, and they often stressed this next point I will share.
You HAVE to be/learn assertive(ness) for you and your baby.
Nobody and I mean nobody, will know your baby’s needs better than you. But there will be people who will try and speak as if they do – ESPECIALLY those old folks. It will feel like they get off on telling you what they experienced and know because they have nothing better to do. But it’s because their insecurities and fear are bubbling up.
They will try and mask it, “well, I’ve done this four times;” “It’s what we did with you, and it worked.” Blah, blah, blah. Whatever information you take in, whatever you believe to be true for you and your child, DO IT BECAUSE YOUUUUUUU decided it was the best, not because ya mama or MIL did.
Allow me to empower you: you carried this baby for nine-ten months. You birthed the child; you are responsible for getting up at night for this child; you are responsible for feeding this child; you are responsible for changing diapers and taking said child to doctor appointments. This beautiful baby cries for YOU and only wants to be loved by YOU (at the moment, lol). DON’T YOU DARE ALLOW SOMEONE TO TAKE AWAY THAT SPECIAL THING, DON’T ALLOW SOMEONE TO MAKE YOU FEEL SMALL OR INADEQUATE. They are not willing to fight in the arena with you because they bought the cheap seats, then they do not get to tell you what you are supposed to do.
Learn your assertiveness. Sometimes it will come naturally, but please just be aware of that shift that is coming.
Seek time alone. You cannot give what you don’t have.
The first two bullet points show how passionate I am about mamas getting the utmost respect they are entitled to. I mean, you are doing something that-literally-not everyone can do. In the same breath, you must respect yourself and PROTECT YOUR PEACE. What would you do for someone else who was depleted and burnt out? You would encourage them to seek time alone for recharging. Am I wrong? No. No, I am not.
Something I did going into my son’s birth was discuss with my husband my “nonnegotiable” list for when the baby was here: I will have devoted time alone, I will go get my nails done, I will not be the only one getting up at night, I will have “self-care Sunday,” etc., etc. You must work in a time where you can sleep, can perform self-care. Work with your village; plan around daycare times (use your lunch breaks; go for walks before picking up baby). Do what you can, when you can. It may seem inconvenient, but when you feel recharged, you will be unstoppable.
Listen to your heart and connect with who you are becoming, not what someone tells you is correct.
This may seem redundant. But this is more on the spiritual level: your gut, your instincts. When you are moving into motherhood, you are confused and overwhelmed and want help and support. But sometimes, that support can be twisted, manipulative, demeaning, etc. It is essential to use this time in pregnancy to foster your soul’s growth. Hone in on what your needs are at a spiritual level, and learn to listen to your gut.
Naturally, you have reactions and responses if you listen to who you are at your core.
You are becoming a mama. A MOM. This is already opening a chest of superpowers. Connect to yourself and thrive! Nobody can fulfill this role for your baby as beautifully as you can. You will know exactly what you need to do.
Everything will come to you; you need to trust that you are the best person for this role.
